11 YEARS AGO

What to write tonight. I have had so many thoughts lately I don't even know where to start. I guess I'm going to start about 12 years ago.

PREVIEW

12 years ago I was a Junior in high school. There was this boy named Mike. Other names he went by was KP, Loony, and Steven...but I called him Mike. He was a boy that I was completely infatuated with. My reasons: he was funny, easy going, always had a smile on his face, and always had good come backs. He had a trademark of a scar on his left cheek that he got while trying to feed a cat grapes when he was little. And all these reasons made me want to chase him till the end.

Mike was never someone you would take home to your parents and show as a prize. But me, being a good Mormon girl, wanted no one but him. So I changed my habits. I changed everything about me. I hung with a wild crowd. I snuck out of my house and started hanging with other boys to make him jealous. I had no self control and drank.I was what every dad was afraid of and every mom stayed up late in worry.
But I didn't care. My parents didn't understand. He made me happy when I was with him and that was all that mattered.

However, He also didn't care that he hurt me emotionally when he would hook-up with other girls. One day he was caring towards me.., the next- he was dating some other girl that was a friend of mine. Hurtful. After he was done with her, he would come back to me. I didn't understand that this was how he was...so I continued to chase, and cry..and not understand.

SENIOR YEAR

I was a senior in high school, attending a local college for the majority of my school days. My habits had not changed and I was still chasing Mike. I knew his family at this point and they loved me. He was the only guy I had gotten that close to to meet his family. He would call me up for rides and we were friends. But I didn 't want to get too close to him and remain just friends.
I enlisted in the military, took the test to be in the Army, and drove up to Spokane, WA for the final exam. I was excited. This was a good thing for me. I had a plan. In the final stages of the final exam that lasted 6 hours, there was this note in my medical records that said I had went to a rehab facility for a drug treatment program...which then DISQUALIFIED me. I was devastated. How could something I wanted so badly fail on me?
As I sat there eating lunch, all alone, this guy walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to join their group at lunch. This group of 4 guys and 2 girls were shipping out to boot camp the next morning and they were all excited about the journey that awaited them. We all hung out that night and went to this huge lazertag building. One guy in the groups name was Paul. Paul was very polite and from the same city I was. He was friendly, shy, and hansom. (Not to mention he was a man, not a boy.) We had a good time playing lazertag and laughing with each other. I gave Paul my address before he left to boot-camp and 1 week later, I got a letter. We wrote to each other for months. He was respectable. He loved my letters in return. On Christmas, he came home on leave and told me to meet him at his parents house. I really liked Paul. Yes, I was very comfortable in life and I saw very little of Mike. From what I had heard was he was getting into more and more trouble.

Spring rolled around. The end of high school... Which meant lots of parties. I started getting phone calls for parties, out at the sand dunes and other places. I accepted. Then as the temperature rose outside, there were even more opportunities. The last quarter of school I would make it about 2 days out of the week to class and I was failing the majority of my classes.

I got a job at a hotel doing banquets. I loved doing banquets and the people I worked with were friends with Mike. Mike would show up there on occasion, completely messed up. No one knew where he was half the time, but the word was that he was a klipto (someone who steels all the time.) A part of me felt sorry for him and that he needed help. I wanted to help him because he was ruining his life! Mike use to be a decent guy and a part of me, still chased him. I thought I could talk to him because we were friends. So, we got closer...as friends.
Our friendship grew. Before I knew it, I was hanging out with his friends. Going to parties he went to. Falling for him yet again...but this time, I started doing stupid stuff. Looking back I see that to be with him, I needed to do the same things he did. So I used drugs. All sorts of street drugs.

One night, a group of us went to the Columbia Bridge. Mike loved to bridge jump. This day, I ventured to try it out. He went first. I remember we had to do it fast because it was against the law...and he went first. Splash! he went in and swam out. I heard people yelling at me to hurry up and go...so I just closed my eyes, folded my arms in front of me...and jumped.

Jumping off of bridges isn't smart. As I was falling, my body started to go at an angle and the back of my legs slapped the water. It was like hitting a brick wall. I remember the few seconds I was under the water and I couldn't feel my legs. I couldn't swim either...as I doggy paddled into the shore, Mike went out there and rescued me. It was like he didn't want to, but I was drowning. I thought of it as he was my rescuer and didn't want to leave his side. This was the night I got pregnant...

PREGNANCY

I found out I was pregnant by going to a planned parenthood. It was the end of May, right before everyone else was to walk down the graduation Isle but me. So, I sat there, in planned parenthood and cried. My life as I knew it was at one of the lowest points. I was pregnant with a child from Mike, I didn't graduate high school, I had very little self-worth, and my brothers and sister pretty much were embarrassed of me. Planned parenthood sent me on my way with some info. and I went home.

I cried. I had to tell my mom but I couldn't. Call it mothers intuition, but she knew. She cried.
Then I had to tell my dad. He cried. I really cried. I remember walking outside of my house in tears, and my dad just put his arms around me. He assured me that he loved me so much (I am totally crying as I'm writing this part).
Then my mom told me I had to call Paul and tell him. This was the hardest. I did. Paul was crushed, completely and utterly crushed...and I felt his pain. I had hurt him so badly by my mistake and all I wanted was for him to forgive me. I cried.
I told Mike. He was excited. But not the excitement you would think. He kept on running the streets and took no responsibility for what had happened. I would page him with "911" and he wouldn't call back. He didn't care. I was all alone.
I cried for the whole first 4 months. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. As I sobered up, I saw what I had done to my life, and I was saddened.
I cried the next few months of my pregnancy.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had a job at the local TV station. I also had moved in with a friend Angie. Mike returned one of my pages finally. He was so high on drugs when I saw him, but he stayed there and held my hand. He knew how to wezzle his way into my emotional life and acted like he cared. For like 2 days he would show up. Then he was gone.
He would show up out of the blue and act like everything was ok. I would say "why haven't you returned my pages? I called you 20 times?" He would always have an excuse.. but I knew he was dealing drugs and lived right up the street from us.

2 weeks before Trey was born, Mike decided to sober up. He told me he loved me. I cried. Not because I was happy, but because he had scared me for life. And now he wanted this happy family?? Yes, I wanted a happy family too, but I was hurting. So, for the next 2 weeks, he was there. Supporting me, getting excited. The hurt slowly became masked with the excitement of the new arrival.

THE BIRTH

I will never forget the day Trey was born. My induction was scheduled. I had a pile of videos to watch. My mom, dad, and all of Mikes family was there. It all seemed too perfect for the day, February 6th, 2000. I got sick during labor and Mike tried to wipe the puke off of my face but make it worse. Trey was born around 2pm. The most beautiful baby was born. I cried.
Mike held Trey. To me, surrounded by family as my first child was born, was the perfect day. All I saw were smiles and love as Trey entered this world. He was a perfect angel given to me. To be his mother and raise him as my own. My dad stayed by my side most of the time with nothing but love for me.

Around 4pm, Mike said he had to go and shower and get a change of clothes. A friend came to give him a ride. He said he would be right back. So I waited.

I waited with my dad. But my dad eventually had to go. So then it was just me.
8pm rolled by. Mike didn't return.
9pm.
10pm.
11pm. Just as I was about to give up, . Mike stumbles into the hospital. Come to find out, he went out to do drug runs with his friend. They got pulled over by the cops. His friend went to jail. Mike didn't this time.

When Trey was 9 months old, Mike went to Prison for 2 1/2 years. Me, with help from my mom and dad, raised Trey and watched him grow. I gave him his first bath. I fed him in the night. I worked at the TV station making due as my parents helped me. We grew closer and closer, Trey and I. He was the best baby you could ask for and was in a good home.
Mike did get out of jail and was sober, ready to start a family. But it wasn't long before he started down the same path.
Mike went back to Prison when Trey was 4 years old. For another 2 1/2 years. For the first 4 years of Treys life, he only knew his real dad, Mike, for about 1 year of it. Then Mike went back to Prison for the 3rd time when Trey was 8 years old where he still is.

I remember when I met Andy. He loved Trey and always played with him. He eventually even changed his diapers for me. They talked alot about hunting and went out into the hills together. He was very responsible and a good example for Trey. I then grew to Love the man in my life right now as he got closer to my son. My pride and Joy.

That is what Trey is. He is my Pride and Joy. He changed my life. He made me a better person. He gave me hope and responsibility. I grew up. I became a mother of a boy, that is now turning into a young man. We have those first 4 years that are irreplaceable and created a bond between us that no one but us will understand.